Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize