you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
