she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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