I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
