Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
