I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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