you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
