Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
