Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
