He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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