We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
