He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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