I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
