Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
