I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
