New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
