normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
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