You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
