she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
