Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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