The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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