the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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