last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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