So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
