is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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