i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
