Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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