i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize