he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
