Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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