I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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