remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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