we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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