Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
