he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
