if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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