It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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