Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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