I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
