She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
