oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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