Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
