yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
