I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
