I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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