who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
