Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
