Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
