Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
