Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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