Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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