All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
