so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
