ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
