Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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