If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
