my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
