Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
