You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
