remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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